A wife’s letter to her childless husband on Father’s Day

Dani De Luca

I lay in bed the other night, hands crossed over my heart and legs pin-straight, and thought of those words:

This is not about me at all, is it? This is all about you.

That’s what you said to me when I told you I wanted to have the procedure done. A procedure that would be risky, as any procedure is, but that might point us to what’s wrong. The answer to why our children are in the clouds and not here with us.

I was angry at you for saying such a cruel thing. So I went to bed in silence and didn’t tell you to sleep with God and dream with me like I always do. I didn’t kiss you or reach for your hand in reconciliation. I simply lay there, emotionally entombed, trying not to breathe too hard or feel too much as I waited for sleep…

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There’s No Going Back: Iraq Ten Years Later

when the dust clears

After my last trip to Iraq in 2006, I told myself I would return. I’d go to the places I patrolled with the marines and to the homes I stomped into and out of as an appendage of their squads. As an embedded journalist, I learned little about Iraqi people’s lives, other than what these lives looked like when instantly disrupted and upended. Next time, I would go without bulletproof vest or Kevlar helmet — and without the retinue of troops. I would listen and learn. I figured I’d be able to make this trip in five, maybe six years, once the the conflict ended or at least ebbed. But there is no end or ebb on the horizon.

U.S. Marine convoy north from Kuwait to Iraq, July 18, 2004

A decade ago to this day I was rattling around the belly of an assault amphibious vehicle just a few…

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Push them feelings out.

Laying here in bed. I can’t help but think of how life is hard for me. I keep thinking of the same questions over and over. Would my life be easier if I was skinny? Why can’t I be smart? Am I even pretty? Should I just keep pushing forward, taking every hit from each person? Being a big gal isn’t easy.
People always says beauty isn’t what’s on the outside but what’s in the inside, or better yet beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My thought on those says is bullshit. In this day and age you gotta be pretty to make it anywhere. Pretty girls get the jobs I apply for just by walking in, while I gotta take the low paying jobs they don’t want. I try my best in learning how to put make up on and the latest fashion but they never make anything my size. But when they do make something in my size it’s either so dang ugly or so very expensive . Since I have that low paying job, I can’t afford it unless I save up for that item. Life ain’t ever going to easy for me. I have a learning disability that stops me from learning. I can try my hardest and study my butt off an still fail. While my other classmates play around and still pass with flying colors. I still till this day try to over come that disability. Maybe college isn’t for me? I’ve have always been the creative one. I love make-up and hair. But can’t afford beauty school. It’s $25,000 dollars for one year and $10,000 has to been paid upfront, the payments would be almost $1,000 a month. Can’t afford that ever with my jobs. So I watch a lot of YouTube videos on the latest make up . Still can’t afford the expensive make up brands but I make do with whatever I can find closest to them from Walmart. I get compliments when I do put effort. But from time to time I get told I should go to beauty school. To make it my career. Can’t afford it. I keep looking for beauty schools that are affordable but not much luck. All I can do is keep trying. If you don’t at first succeed, keep trying till ya do. I say don’t let life break you down. Keep pushing. Don’t let things get you down, cause it only keeps you in the same place that you want out of. It’s ok to cry about it. Let it out. Better yet,scream it out!!

Big Country Gal 🐂

Why does the second child have to put up with everything

My mother had 2 girls, 2 years apart. First is my older sister Cassi. Naturally I am the second child. (Hi, I’m Victoria)
My sister being the first born was always the first to do everything. She has always been my mothership pride and joy even after she fucks up. Like moved out, dropping out of high school , got married at 18 to her boyfriend in the marines. Thru all that I was going to school everyday. Going to Wednesday evening youth church. Getting along with my step family. I was a good child. But never once did my mother notice that. As we grew up my sister got away with just about anything. My mom kept me on locked down. But I ignored it. Everyone else around us would notice. One incident was my mother wanted to go to the grocery store and asked my sister and I if we wanted to go. We both said yes and as we got out to the car my sister tells me no, I wasn’t going. To go back inside. My mother just ignored her telling me this and me crying when she locked the car doors and my mother and her left. I went back inside to my step dad asking me what’s wrong, why didn’t I go ? I told him what happened and he got pretty pissed off. Another incident was me asking my mother if I could hangout with some friends, she told me no. Not a moment later my sister asked her the same question an her answer was yes, my mother took her to her friends house, where she proceeded to get money from our mother to go roller blading …. I was stuck at home. My step sister noticed what happened and decided to go out of her way and spend time with me. It cheered me up but still a feeling lingered in me. Still to this day my mom still acts this way even though I graduated high school, Going to college and doing everything she either ask or tells me. Today’s incident broke me. As my mother is talking to my sister she makes a comment to me and I came back to saying a smart ass comment to my mother. Both of us laughing, my sister tells me to “shut the fuck up”. My mom as always, let’s her be rude to me laughs about it. Did she notice me crying ? I was only a couple if feet from her. Nope. I walked out wiping my tears. I’m the second child. A lot of my accomplishments go unnoticed by everyone. Where’s my dad? He passed away when I was only 4. A lot of my family on his side say I am just like him. I think if he was still here I wouldn’t be going thru this stuff alone. He would have my back. At least I would think so since he was also a second child out of 5 kids. Being 25 years old an still having that lingering feeling, still gets me till this day. There are days where I feel like, what would happen if I disappeared, would they notice, better yet would they even care? Deep down in my heart I say no to all of the above. My mother would still have her pride and joy first child. Who would remember me?

Unboxing My Life

Travels and Tomes: One Expat's Amblings and Ramblings

I know exactly how Pandora felt.   Horrified.  Overwhelmed.  Ashamed.  But mostly just panicked.

On second thought, she shouldn’t have opened the box.  REALLY shouldn’t have opened the box.  But now it’s too late.  What to do next?  Run and hide?  Try to fix the mess somehow?

And me?  I’m sitting in a house full of boxes.  Millions and gajillions of boxes.    I shouldn’t have acquired so many worldly goods…but now I’ve grown attached to them.  They are my life’s travels and my family memories  played out in textiles, art, and furniture, and I’ve dragged them halfway across the world with me.  Is that wierd/shallow/materialistic?  I have no idea.  Most days, I’d say it’s essential to being human, this appreciation of things that speak to your soul.  But today I can tell you that it makes for a hell of a job unpacking when the movers dump the accumulation on…

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Long time neighbors turn to hell!

It all started about 4 weeks ago. I was in my room minding my own business. My mother lets her 3 dogs out, Pitbull mix, Monsta, Boston terrier, Bebe, and Molly the mix of the first two. We live on 10 acres. Sept we live on the first 5 acres and we live at the begging of the property line. We have no front gate an not much a fence either. Our neighbors to the right of us have no fence at all. They have 2 dogs, who come on our property all the time to at agonize our dogs in the dog pen. Low and behold their son lets their dogs out too at the same time frame. With no one watching either set of dogs, no one really knows what happened. Sept that my moms dog Monsta brought out neighbors dog back with him in his mouth. While that’s happening I hear the yelling from my step sisters baby daddy and my neighbors son. Yelling at my moms dog to drop the other dog. Long story short, no one was watching their dogs and one killed the other. We apologized and offered to buy another dog and was refused for another dog. My neighbor goes on to say he has no clue what happened till it was to late. That dogs will be dogs. We hugged it out and apologized again for their lost. So that’s the end of that situation. We talked it out and came to an understanding. So my neighbors mom moves back home after her 2 year long on and off again convict lover tells her if she left he would kill her and the family. My neighbor tells us what’s going on and we agreed too keep an eye out watching their backs. Well today after my parents got home I let our 7 dogs out to go to their dog pen but instead they made a detour to the main road. Where my neighbors other son (18 yrs old) is just standing there, didn’t even scream or yell at the dogs. They all run up 5 feet away and just barked at him. THATS IT JUST…….BARKED. Never snapped or try to bite him. I was trying to get them back on out property till my neighbors dumbass father starts screaming at me that they tried to bite him and get your fucking dogs!! As I am trying to do that already , apparently the moron couldn’t see that. I’ve never yelled at a neighbor but today I did. Basically to shut the fuck and and I was trying to get them and in no fucking way did they ever snap or bite your son. Good god people these days are getting so over dramatic on everything. At this point in my life I am going to make sure I give them nothing but hell. I have never been rude to them when their dogs ran up on our property and bothered our dogs. Oh and the days where I have to dodge their dogs running across the road as I am trying to leave our drive way. I always wave and be polite as I was raised. But I will not no more. I was make sure they know I don’t fucking care anymore. You wanna act like a bitch, I’ll treat you like a bitch. I hate to throw our families friendship away but why should I give a fuck about a family who’s mom is a drug addict with a crazy on and off again killer convict boyfriend, the nice house they live is is their grandparents house and they only moved in after their grandparents passed away, their first son is so fucked up, (because of them), the second son has a rumor of being gay, an there daughter is a Christian brat, ( you know the girl who is all about Jesus but has to have her way on everything and acts like a princess). I am at my breaking point with these neighbors . All the other neighbors are sweethearts. Like I said before I’m at my breaking point. I know Krama is a bitch but I hope Karama bites them in the ass so much their ass’s look like chew toys!